there's a coffee shop called Oliver a few blocks into my walking commute from my apartment in chinatown to my office in soho that I go to a couple of times per week. It usually has a queue of at least 2-3 people and as someone who is prone to oversleeping and general tardiness, as well as someone who hates lines, it's probably kind of impractical for me to patronize Oliver as often as I do. But the baristas are all beautiful and aloof, they make a great iced oatmilk latte, they still use real (plastic) straws, and you can stand in line outside to buy the coffee from a little window to the street which feels nice when the weather does too, so I go a couple times per week.

Today I stood in line in front of a shiba inu-chihuahua-something mix (its owner isn't sure what other breed because his mother brought the dog back from korea) and behind a tan, shirtless man with wrap-around sunglasses and sun bleached facial hair. Sunglasses had a conversation with today's gorgeous barista that made it seem like he probably knew her personally, but he might have just been being way too friendly for 8:40 AM. she's the hottest barista at Oliver. she looks like a young halle berry if young halle berry was a little too thin, had curly collarbone-length hair, wore cargo pants, and had a wider and warmer smile. She always giggles and stumbles over her words when trying to tell me the price of my latte, which is the same price every day. i like when she's my barista the best. 

the part that I caught of Barista and Sunglasses conversation was as follows

S: well, you just gotta do it!
B: i mean, of course i want to, and my boyfriend wants me to, too. i just can't decide
S: take the flight! life is short 
B: that's the thing.. life is short. we will all die
[I laugh, B looks at me and laughs, too]
S: exactly, that's why you just gotta make the decision
B: but what if i make the wrong decision... and then i'll die

i stopped listening at this point because the shiba inu-chihuahua-something licked my ankle so i was talking to its owner about korea and about his mother. but their conversation reminded me of something i read recently, which went something like:

prolonged decisions do more harm than "wrong" decisions

i don't know where i read it. i also don't know if i believe it. i've made some decisions that i know were wrong and did harm to myself and to others, and that i may not've made had i "prolonged" them and been less impulsive in my actions. but then again, i don't regret anything that i've done. i know that's something that people just say, but i really don't! i'm still getting to know myself, but i do know myself well enough to know that no one has ever been able to tell me what to do and that the only way i am able to learn anything is through my own experience. which sometimes (oftentimes?) has included me making "wrong" decisions. 

either way, i think adopting a mindset that prolonged decisions do more harm than "wrong" decisions sounds like a nice way to live, even if only experimentally or temporarily. i'm very thankful for my job, for my friends, my apartment, my boyfriend, my roommate, my snake, my roommates rabbit. but i have begun to feel an old and familiar sensation of restlessness, boredom, anticipation, and anxiety lately. lately and increasingly. the same one i felt every sunday when my parents made me go to church until i made the decision to tell them that i wasn't going to go with them anymore when i was 12. the same one i felt in college in columbus ohio, despite being the most content i'd ever been in my life and surrounded by people i adored and still adore today. that one didn't go away until i made the decision to drop out and move to new york to live on my sisters and my friends couches and sign with an unpromising modeling agency. i also felt it two years into living and "modeling" (by "modeling" i mean booking a "modeling" job here and there, while spending most of my time working as a carpenter for a 40,000 dollar salary) in new york. i got rid of that feeling by deciding to move to los angeles for a role as a graphic designer reporting directly to dov charney. that obviously didn't work out as planned either but that's not the point.

i wish i knew what decision wide-smile cargo pant halle berry barista is struggling to make. i also wish i knew what decision i'm currently struggling to make. maybe if i wait in the line outside of Oliver next time i see her in the window and ask her it'll provide me some clarity or insight for myself. but maybe it won't!