a poem(?)

i have

lied and used and neglected and mistreated

and hurt

never on purpose

at least, not since high school 

i have been 

lied to or abused or neglected or mistreated 

hurt 

as much as anyone else, maybe more

but i've always felt

what ultimately hurts worse 

is when you hurt someone else

if it doesn't now, it will later

etc

i feel now what can hurt the most 

is when you are hurt

by someone you have hurt

because you have hurt them

so now they want to

or can

or believe they have to

hurt you

in that sense i guess hurt can be earned 

i have said too many times, to a friend

thought too many times, to me

"i want to be good"

i can do the right thing, but that won't make me good

because i already am

it is how i was born and it's how i'll die, too

as were we all and as we all will

mistakes don't make you bad.

being loveless

or hateful

or fearful

can make you bad. 

something i think 

that too many people think 

is something that can be earned

like hurt

is love

love is there all the time

no mistake turns it off

no good behavior turns it on

"god is love"

read my mothers vanity plates on her rav 4

lol

source of adolescent resentment

divine truth in adulthood

god can be be jesus

yhwh

allah

hashem

krishna

yoga

yeezus

aliens

our lovers

ourselves

to fall in love is to feel god

to consciously allow yourself to love is to do gods work

to disallow yourself to love is to live in fear

to live in fear is to be godless

to love despite odds is to prioritize god

to love yourself is to be holy 

to love others is to share god

"all you need is love" is a song by the beatles

i don't like the beatles at all

they're historically significant pop musicians but sonically just not my cup of tea

there's nothing you can know that isn't known

nothing you can see that isn't shown

there's nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be

it's easy

one of my favorite songs is me & u by cassie

baby i'll

love you all the way down

the supremes

and later, soft cell

asked

where did our love go?

roy orbison

in a song that i think was a cover of another musicians song, said

love is just a lie made to make you blue

love hurts

the beatles were right

cassie spoke to the position in which love grows

becomes stronger

downhill

when it feels hard

to love

neither the supremes nor soft cell need an answer

but if i had to give one it would be "nowhere"

i do love that song but

love never leaves, anywhere it's been it will always be

roy orbison or whomevers words he sang were half right, and half wrong

love doesn't produce hurt

love mishandled can produce hurt

love can be misdirected

or expended too exclusively

or not given to oneself

and only to another

but hurt can't remove love

nothing can

love can only move

wherever you allow it to go

if you're reading this i love you

and if you're not i still do

and i'll try to do it right

swear to god